Saturday, May 31, 2014

Holy poopysauce this is a great quote that I need to record in my life forever

This is freaking great people. 

Old Struck By Lightning Review I found in my Notebook

So a few months ago, I saw the film Struck By Lightning, written by Chris Colfer, and as I was looking through past entries in my notebook, I saw this entry that I wrote about the movie right after I saw it, because it had made such a great impact on me, especially at a time when I was so weak and without confidence in my dreams or abilities. As I read what I wrote, I liked what I had to say about this movie, because I remember the insane feeling I had after the movie ending, and I was sitting in my couch. Everytime you watch a movie, a good one, it literally moves you. You're not the same person that you were two hours ago, you know? It literally moves your persona into a whole new point of view, and when a film can do that, it's good. And when I read this entry that I wrote about Struck By Lightning months ago, I realized that the movie had done that to me. The movie had moved me; literally, in a sense.

So this is what I wrote a few minutes after watching it:

Here's a brief back story that I'm too lazy too write well but necessary for the understanding of what I say in my actual review of this movie: 

Basically, Carson Phillips wants out of this godforsaken town he lives in, with dreams to attend Northwestern University and working at the New York Times. In his senior year, he devises a plan to blackmail students to start a literary journal that he believes will get him into the college of his dreams and his future.

This is the back story of the film, but keep in mind, if you watch this movie, there's so much more to Carson than what the overused plot summary gives above. Carson is like a lot of us: he wants to change the world, and people who want to change the world, are not just any kind of people. They're THE people. Perhaps in more symbolic terms, the black sheep, am I right?

We (I watch most movies with my family) just finished watching the movie Struck By Lightning, written by Chris Colfer. God, it was truly incredibly hard to resist the urge to punch that movie in the face. Seriously, it was awful. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I say the movie was awful, but in truth, it was probably one of the best movies I have ever seen in my life, because it made me believe in what I believe in again, if that makes any sense. It believed in that belief of writing that alluded me often so many times for fear of failure, and it caused this resurgence of ability and confidence in me that I needed at time. Basically, it believed in what I needed to believe in again.

After watching it, I kind of felt like dedicating a piece of any of my written work to Carson Phillips, the main character in the story. I mean, throughout the movie this kid talked about exactly all the things that I want to achieve, while speaking in the voice of a narrator as the ghost of his dead soul, recounting his story; recounting his dreams.

He wanted to change the world. Can you imagine? I used to think I was mentally insane for wanting to change the world, and knowing deep down that I would, because I just know that I will, not to sound conceded, but that's just the way I think, and the way one should think for change to actually happen. The notion throws me off sometimes, of course, and it is an ongoing painful obsession because when you think about it there are so many factors that can stop you, and the fact of the matter is, this is what Struck By Lighting showed me, or rather, made me feel. There are a lot of things that can stop you from changing the world, even though you're know your destined you will. And for Carson Phillips, that was a lighting bolt.

There was a scene in the beginning of the movie, where Carson describes the feeling a human gets when he/she forming an idea throughout their heart, their mind, their body. This is what he said:

"Like having a great idea, life, comes at you fast. It hits you, and tries to escape and be expressed in any way possible. In a way, it's a lot like...lightning." 
                                                                 -Carson Phillips AKA Chris Colfer

You know, it's really hard to find someone who has that same insane, crazy feeling that I get when I have an idea. But Carson exposed that insanity to his best friend Malerie Baggs. And even though the lightning bolt stuff sound unoriginal, it's not, but more importantly, it's so true. When one has an idea, it takes the greatest of urges to keep that idea inside, because it does not want to stay inside; that's just not what an idea is meant to do. So if you don't say it, or act it out, then write it down. Write it down.

Sometimes I get scared out of my mind of my ideas because I feel like I would let them down. Because I don't believe I'm good enough to write them out, or actually make them into a reality. It's a problem I've struggled with for a long time.

But I'll show you Carson, what you showed me. I'll make the Writer's Club proud. If I ever start one, I promise I'll show them this movie. What you created is something all writers need to see and resonate with everywhere.

All in all, you made me realized probably one of the greatest thoughts of all time.

You can change the world, even if you're dead, as long as you know that you're destined to change it, even if you're dead, and especially if you're stuck by lighting.

Thanks Carson.

Here's some other great quotes and scenes form the film from the likes of the great Rebel Wilson and more:

Can we take a moment to gratify how true of a statement the following is:? Because it's true. It is very true.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Man, I don't know what to write about, but the thing is, I want to write

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.

It's weird. You know that feeling you get, when you're really ambitious but really lazy at the same time, and it just ruins your total sense of human-ness; because even though you have it in you to do something great, you just don't want to also, because you just don't...BUT YOU DO. 

Ambition and laziness don't go well together my friends. 

Today was my last day of school. It was actually the first time in my life where it didn't actually feel like the end, but it was. As much as I yearn for the summer days to come, it beginning to scare me a lot. You lose friends over the summer, you lose a sense of value in yourself because a lot of the time, one spends it just laying on the couch all day watching T.V or movies or lounging through the internet, and the resulting feeling is just TERRIBLE. I MEAN, EVERY SUMMER I HAVE MORE THAN 10000000000 EXPERIENCES IN WHICH AT THE END OF THE DAY I FEEL LIKE A TOTAL WASTE OF LIFE BECAUSE I DID NOTHING BUT WATCH KOREAN DRAMAS OR WHATEVER I'M WEIRDLY INTO AT THE TIME.

That's probably one of my biggest fears about summer. The amounting possibility of Wasteful Days, and I hate Wasteful Days.

I think I'll be better this summer though. I have plans. I have dreams to turn into reality. I have a human mind and soul to set in motion and change the world! Because I'm going to do it guys. I'm going to change the world. Steve Jobs said so, so it is going to happen. I mean, if you're crazy enough to believe you can actually change the world, then you will. 

I guess that's it for my little writing time of thoughts today. I had something inside me that I needed to get out, and I didn't know what it was, and the only way that could have happened was by writing something. Honestly, I was planning on writing about, The Graduate, (ELAINE!!!---ELAINE!!!....BEEEEN!! -sorry just had to act that one seen out cause' I needed to and it's just an awesome scene.) and also my last day of school and stupid freaking grades. But instead you got this other useless entry about, once again, my urge to figure out what the heck is going to inside my brain and what I'm going to do with my life. Throughout the next few months of summer this may a recurring topic in my blogs. The internal psychedelic confusion and tantrums my brain and conscience throw are a regular in my life, but then again, we are humans. And humans are weird. 

My brain as of now:

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Why I love the word Freaking

I love the word Freaking. More than any other word on the planet, and knowing just how much of a bold statement and insult that is to the English dictionary, I best be ready to back this statement up with some freaking amazing reasons, or as any professional English teacher would say, valid arguments.

You see, the word freaking, or as I more accurately voice it, "freakin'", is at its core a replacement for the word F-U-C-K. It's a lee way into merging into a growing teenage/adulthood world while still maintaining some sense of innocence. The day that I actually say the actual F-word consistently instead of saying freaking consistently, is the day that the easygoing kid within me dies, and trust me, that's just never going to happen.

Don't get me wrong. I say the abominable F-word sometimes, a little sometimes, and I feel way too harsh saying it, depending on the situation. Or in other words, like an intense Voldemort, but then again Voldy is always intense. BUT, at the same time it gives me such a rush of rebellious nature that kind of overwhelms me in a way no other word does, and I like it. But using the F-Word with every other word I say defies the entirety of the English language and kind of feels like machine gun bullets after bullet shooting at me with too much unnecessary tyrannical word power and too much cynicism in one sitting. SERIOUSLY, at some point I just have to walk away because the idea of the F-Word, and the history that this F-Word has crawling behind it is just too much for me too handle. Too much of its usage results in the loss of its powerful quality.

I mean, both Freaking and the F-Word can give off a sense of AWESOME, but savor that awesomeness, because every time you use a word there's a quality behind it, a power, a meaning. Don't use these words without the power they deserve, because then they just become another word, and that's not good.
Look here:

the office is freaking awesome. History is fucking awesome. HECK YEAH.

See, there's a sense of power there. It's like, BAM. You really know those two things are really, REALLY AWESOME.

But THEN, there is the magic that the word Freaking gives us, that the F-word will just not be able to give us---ever:

And simply put, it's the magic of innocence. I know it sounds lame, but it's true. When I say freaking, I feel almost defiantly liberated from the moral limits of a kid, while keeping a fair distance from that horrible thing called adulthood. So basically, it's a teenager stage word. It's not super intense, but it's not weak either.

And it is just freaking amazing.

Just figured out the stages regarding this word:

1. Childhood years: "What the heck?"
2. Teenage years: "What the freak?"
3. Adulthood: "What the fuck?"

Of course, option 3 and 2 always, ALWAYS, cross each other, and it always will. I don't think I can no longer prevent myself from ever saying the F-word when I'm extremely frustrated or intense. I can just prevent from saying it ALL THE TIME. I don't understand how people say it constantly.

I guess the word freaking is kind of like preparation for the future, you know? When I think about it, it makes me sad that at my age I can willingly say the F-word because it means I'm growing up, and I hate growing up, even though I love it.

In a way, "Freaking" is like my safety valve from shying away from the world of innocence, or ignoring the creeping aspect of the grown up world. It makes me feel young; a rushing feeling of overall awesome, because it's such a freaking awesome word to say.

Weird how much love I have for this word. I mean, I still say "What the heck!" all the time too. And it still totally give off strong vibes, when said right, and most importantly, when said awesomely.

You can probably tell I've been saying freaking a lot these days, but honestly I say all day everyday, because as my title states, I love this freaking word.

Random Statement of the Day: Fuck Chemistry. (The F-Word is valid in this statement because my intense hatred matches the F-Word intensity. "Freaking" is too good of a word to even be used among the atrocity that is chemistry anyways.)


adjective & adverb
  1. used for emphasis or to express anger, annoyance, contempt, or surprise.
    "I'm going out of my freaking mind!"




Monday, May 26, 2014

TCWT Blog Chain...Woah, Let's talk about books.

So, here's the thing about writing about books: It's that I haven't read as many at this point in my life as I think I should have...I don't know. It seems that if I have any aspiration of being a writer, I should have read a wide range of books by now, but then again, I'm still young, and I have a whole three months of sweet, sweet summer to read, and that's beautiful.

Anyways, LET US BEGIN.
Topic: What kinds of published books would you like to see more of? 

1. Teenagers or children growing up (or I guess better said, "coming of age"), in obscure countries we don't really hear or read a lot about; ever bro. What I'm talking about here is countries like Bolivia or Argentina, the Philippines, Finland, Uzbekistan, Turkey, or some other country most people don't care about, or don't take notice of. See, teenagers are universal, if that wasn't made clear by the life cycle, but there are so many of us going through what many would call, "The Wonder Years" (if you get my T.V show reference) or what I would call "The worst years of your LIFE". And every country has there own culture, or restrictions, or government, but most importantly, every country has there own way of growing up, and it is the time while we are growing up as teenagers that is most important, and should be the time of our lives most learned and analyzed from. I want to know what it's like to go to school in Hungary. I want to know what it's like to like a boy or girl in Uzbekistan, or what it's like to live with a family raised in the Philippines, or what it's like for a teenager with dreams and ambitions as huge as ours in a country so limited of opportunity. I want to meet these teenagers, same age as I am, and see through their eyes a place on the other side of the entire planet. 

2. Books from the point of view of an INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE. You know, like total tyrannical fascists like Stalin or Hitler, or more unknown, but equally as unethical, the average school bully. It's strange, right? Why would we want to read books about the worst people on the planet and that EVER lived? But at the same time these horrible people, at the end of it all, are still people, with feelings, and hormones, and fears. The mystery is, just what made them think the way they do? What happened to them, or how did it function in there mind that what they were doing was okay? I mean, there's always a background to everything, and maybe some of these horrible people don't really want to be horrible, so then why are they?

3. Homeless people, AKA Hobos. You know, people living on the streets of New York City, or Austin TX; I've truthfully NEVER read a book about a homeless person, let alone a homeless teenager living on the streets. Sure, I guess Brian in Hatchet is homeless, but he just trying to survive in the wild, not on the streets of some of the grandest, beautiful cities in the world, like NYC. It would be interesting to me to see a world of success, passion, excitement, crime, malice, and injustice from the eyes of a homeless person. How they live, where, what they go through in the winter, in the hottest of summers. A lot of things can happen to homeless people. From the encounters I have heard from, people tell me some of these homeless people begin to lose their minds a little bit. I don't mean to sound rude or crass, but being homeless can be a real detriment to the mind. It's just a topic I have never really seen in published books.

4. Toddlers. These types of books would be pretty difficult to write to the core, because so few of us really remember what we were like as toddlers; and sure you can search up all of the scientific studies done on toddler's and their brains, but nothing is like actually describing seeing the entire world as a toddler, or to be even more extreme, a baby. But then again, vocabulary is VERY limited at that age... I don't know. Whenever I look into the eyes of a growing toddler or baby, and I see that insane expression of wonder whenever these little humans experience something new, I'm like, "Man, what the heck must that baby human be thinking?!" The expanding mind is a crazy thing.

Yep, so I guess that it for now. This was a really awesome topic and awesome blog chain. May the force be with you all young Padawans...but especially me because my Chemistry exam will be horrible. I mean the worst. The worst.

ANYWAYS, here's the rest of the list of some freaking awesome writers, because writing, simply said, is awesome:

May 26th -
May 30th – – We’ll announce the topic for June’s blog chain!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I'm so excited for Air! and the Scarlet Letter (that's a shocker)

It's actually kind of crazy but I'm somewhat starting to get my shit together, at least 25% of it, and that's honestly a record.
(I mean, who can ever get 100% of their shit together. It's near impossible...or is it? It is, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.)

So exams are coming up soon, as well as the dreaded Chemistry Exam consisting if 160 blessed questions. (This is clear sarcasm my friends.) But explicating the truth here, I'm staring to actually find some feeling of organization and validity of knowledge. I'm pointing at words in my chemistry textbook indicating my recognition of the subject, or in other words, "Hey, I actually know some of this crap if I really think about it", or at least I know how I can figure it out eventually. And then there's Pre-Calculus! Here's the thing about that subject. You either freaking love it, or it just frustrates the core of your very nerves. (In contrast Chemistry does that 24/7). I love the feeling I get when I get an answer right after spending such valuable time on this problem that has a formula that I know will have a solution in the end. It's the one aspect of life I can always be assured on, and it's exceptionally comforting knowing that at least one thing in my life is for sure. And then when you can't find the answer, and you know you've followed all the rules, but then realize perhaps you don't understand the rules, and if you don't understand the rules, you can never get an answer. Incredible how symbolic a nature Calculus and math overall can be to life.

(I'm also trying to use higher level diction because tomorrow I have to write an essay on the Scarlet Letter and I really think I could get an A on this one. SO, prepare yourself for one pretentious blog post.)

I also think I'm feeling at a cerebral advantage currently as a positive effect of the music I'm listening to right now. It's (back to my comfortable self noooow. YES.) FREAKING nice and amazing. The reason I add in nice is because it's such simple, mellow, weird music, and I honestly could listen to it for the rest of my life. And you guessed it, or maybe probably didn't, but it's by a band named Air.

Here a link, if you're interesting, because you should be:

Basically, if you name a band Air, you know it's essential to our life productivity, so they're basically telling us listen to this music or die. True fact. Just kidding, but again, it's worth listening to. Really worth listening to. (English teachers don't like the word really. Mrs. Diction (pseudonym for my actual English teacher, because she's obsessed with power verbs) would be disappointed in abundant concrete measures with my poor use of wording, neglecting the beauty of such majestic power verbs.

(Probably messed up some grammar somewhere there too.)

Anyways, my essay tomorrow is on The Scarlet Letter, and although I didn't actually read the entire book, I got some aid from the amazing Schmoop website-a much better adversary of Sparknotes in fact- and through Schmoop I learned so much more about how much of an amazing book this really is. Seriously, I respect it a lot more now that I actually know what it's talking about, and I just like what it has to say and what it has to teach. These are topics as teenagers that we are preparing ourselves to face in the future, such as redemption, love vs. evil, religion, justice, injustice, judgement, restrictions; and although we face some of these subjects to some extent now, when we're adults, I feel like these themes are going to reach entirely new levels that we're going to have to face.

And Hester Prynne is actually pretty cool, and so is her Scarlet Letter, and so is Pearl, and Dimmesdale, and Chillingworth, because as people, they just represent such a vast range of themes and topics it's insane. I've decided I'll give the book another try over the summer. I mean, it can only benefit me, after all, it's basically a walking dictionary of especially higher level diction. I wouldn't say it's my favorite book, but it definitely makes me think, and when a book makes you think, but then again more importantly feel, it's a good thing. A really good thing (Ha.)

Monday, May 19, 2014

Stand-Up Comedy

So my friends, I am in orchestra.

Now the sudden change in topic. BOOM.

So, what if I wanted to be a comedian? Strange thing is, I'm not really known for being funny, at all, so the fact that I would even consider a life as a stand up comedian is strange and far off to me-no, it's stupid, but I do make people laugh.. .sometimes...a low sometimes, but still, sometimes.

Lately I've been watching some stand up comedy from Aziz Ansari, Louis C.K, Bo Burnham, and I've realized one essential aspect of all these comedians. They're super relate-able, in the aspects of our lives that we don't really think about or like to think about that much, because it's just weeeeiiird- to some people, but these people make it FREAKING HILARIOUS.

Bold topics ranging from vagina, or penis, or extreme profanity involving bad words, life, babies, children, stupidity, intelligence, relationships, history, math, science, politics, horrible people, awesome people, George Bush, A bush (I talking about the herb-or plant I guess) animals, eyes, teeth, eating habits, Rosie the Riveter, growing up, being old and pruny, raisins, everything!

It's weird. We don't really, as conversational human beings, tend to have conversations about raisins or their significance in our life, but comedians can take an object as simple as a raisin and turn it into a comedic masterpiece, because how CAN'T a raisin not be hilarious. I mean, it's a raisin. They're an official disgrace to humanity. Seriously, they should be on the American Black List.

Anyways, I guess what-or who inspired this little surge in a stand-up comedy is B.J Novak, a writer/actor from "the office" (I left the office NOT capitalized because that's how it should be people-lowercase "t" and lowercase "o".)

So B.J Novak went on Ellen for his new book of short stories, called One More Thing. , and in the interview he also talked about his early days as a stand-up, and the profusely overwhelming number of times he completely bombed, in which he even had to have help from the audience, but even then, no laughter.

So that's when I decided I wanted to try it of course.

I know it's weird. His A-bomb of a bomb as a stand-up in his earlier days is my inspiration to try this terrifying thing one day, but look at where Novak is now. He was an actor and more importantly WRITER in one of the funniest shows in history hands down; and from his beginnings as a bombing comedian, that's freaking amazing.

I mean, it's inspiring. He said himself that you can't get any better at comedy if you don't bomb first, and learn from the embarrassment and your comedic mistakes in front of an entire crowd.

First-hand learning experience. That's how you learn my friends, no matter the humiliation: it's exactly the thing that makes you become something greater and better than everyone. Humiliation and Embarrassment.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

RAGING BULL- i don't know what to think

I promised people, I promised, and I told you I was not going to try that hard to keep that promise, but here I am.

So, I started writing this entry a few weeks, maybe a month back, and I haven't even gotten to it until today. But understanding this movie is important to me, and understanding why I don't understand is something I would like to figure out also. Sooo...Let's see how this probably misleading movie review goes.

(Damn. I'm going to have to stop this entry again due to uncooperative math homework. No matter though, I like math, it's not like fucking Chemistry. Yeah, that's right-the F-word; Chemistry is that bad.)


The review:

So, Raging Bull marked the third movie by Martin Scorsese that I watched. The other two are Hugo and The Wolff of Wall Street (which I only watched an hour of because that's all the shit I could handle from that movie. Seriously, who can even watch the whole three hours?) I heard-well, read a lot about Raging Bull. It stars (pretty sure Scorsese's best friend) Robert DeNiro as real life boxer and heavyweight champion (I think) Jake La Motta.

The movie centers around this man, La Motta, and his rise in both success and failure as a fighting human machine, both in the ring and out. Beginning in 1950, we see La Motta living with a wife he doesn't love and a yet to be accomplished dream of becoming a boxing champion.

-You know what. I'm going to have to stop here. Because although I will tell you I watched this movie, I still wonder if I really watched it. A few minutes ago, I was reading Roger Ebert's review on Raging Bull, which received a promising review of five stars. And as he talked about insecurity, redemption, fear, and the meaning behind the ring La Motta fought in for so many years, I was just wondering why I didn't get the feeling Ebert got from this film by Scorsese. I remember, when I first watched it, the dramatically sweet music that played in the opening and that would play in the end. I remember thinking, "Man, La Motta is freaking crazy, and insane, and I just can't stop watching him." I remember the overcooked steak and the vacant love between La Motta and his first wife. I remember La Motta asking his brother Joey to hit him, hard, again and again and again, and I think that's when I decided that I was going to watch this whole movie.

At times, I felt odd and confused watching the movie, because it was filmed so different than any other movie I had seen before, and La Motta was so different than any other character I had seen before. The way he first acted around Vickie, so shyly confident and quiet, if you know what I mean. And Vickie! Man, was Vickie menacing. Plus, she was only 15 years old, compared to what must have been at least a 25 year old La Motta. It's clear that la Motta falls in love with this very young woman, and only later I realize that Vickie really loves him too. Thing is, La Motta's paranoia reaches extremities, and everything Vickie does, I mean every single thing Vickie does or says, he HAS to know about, and if there's even a little, just a little hint of suspicion within him, BOOM, he goes nuts. I mean, what I got out of it, is that he's really jealous. He wants Vickie to be a part of only his life, and no one else's, but Vickie's too much of a person for just La Motta, and La Motta knows it. The amazing thing about Vickie is that she's just so strong, but La Motta is crazy and strong. So all this internal struggle La Motta has he takes to the ring, and there are scenes where he just stands in the ring during a match, and willingly let's the opponent punch him to new bleeding depths. And I'm like, why? Why? I felt like he wanted to show people how strong he was, how many hits he could take and still remain standing. I think he did this not only for the sake of his boxing career, but his life outside the ring too.

The redemption part of this film, I get by the end. I get it that it exist as a theme, and the scene where La Motta is overweight and old and drunk and helpless in the prison cell screaming and moaning, "Why! Why, why, why, why, why!", I do feel kind of bad for him, but not as bad as I think I should feel. I mean, I won't say La Motta was a horrible person. I'll say he was over obsessive about things that made him do things he shouldn't have done that he knew was wrong but he did it anyways. Why did he do it though? I don't get the movie. Ebert helped me understand simply what I couldn't say clearly in words. I mean, he really knows the story, but I still feel I could know the story in my own way, because if I don't know a film with my own thoughts and feelings, then I don't know what to think of it.

I do want to say this though.

Throughout the movie, I never felt disconnected or distant from what I was watching. I think I was just watching something I couldn't quite understand, because it's a subject I'm just not very familiar with. I thought the film was beautiful, and it always kept me thinking, because it felt as if every scene was holding an essential secret, that I don't quite understand yet.

I'll watch it again, because I do want to understand this movie; but I need to understand it my own way.

Waazz Goiin Ooonn Yoo

What a lame title.

Anyways, I think I have three things I want to talk about today...Mmm, maybe four, but I'll probably talk about that in another post.


First things first, time for world news baby- (never use the word baby)

Okay, it's not world news, BUT, it's pretty freakin' unbelievable. 10.3 GPA unbelievable, but it's true.
Someone, on this earth, has recieved a 10.31 GPA, and is eighteen years old, right here in dandy old Florida. I guess we are good for something. Just kidding, FL's nice, kind of. But yeah, that's what I heard today. Honestly, I wasn't aware anything higher than a 4.9 GPA even existed, so when my mom comes up to me and tells me this shit(in the good way), I'm like, "WOAH! That doesn't even exist Mami. Impossible. No. Just no."

And then she shows me the computer screen, and BAM!

There it is. A 10.31 GPA earned by an Indian looking girl/woman (you never know when that transition of maturity happens, even in the smartest of people) that apparently took a total of 17 AP classes and other classes at Community College. It's actually kind of freaking awesome. She's going to be freaking awesome.

Thing is, when my mom was like, "See, I told you." after I saw it, you could totally tell she was saying, "Now you need to get a 10.31 GPA. Why don't you have one already (my name)?!". Expectations, expectations.

Here's a lesson people. Never expect anything from anyone. Not even yourself. But of course as humans we can't do that, so we will expect.

Second set of useless information I want to tell you about. I have a violin recital tomorrow, standing on the stage...... ALL BY MYSELF.

I mean, it's not my first time, it's my second time. Yeah, not that much experience. I definetely think I'm less nervous this time, but the fact that I'm writing this tells me that I may have a little internal freak out tomorrow, or I'll remain calm. I didn't practice that much for it, mostly because I had a lot of things happening (test, HW) to me this week, so time is not on my side, but I think I sound decent. Luckily, I don't care or am not so scared about how bad or good I sound, I'm just excited to play, because I really love this song I'm playing. It's really frakkin' awesome. My confidence is improving I think. At school, when I'm walking in the halls, I feel vulnerable but then something happens to me and then I'm standing tall and proud and I'm like, "Fuck these people. I'm awesome". Over the past few weeks, I've made some videos and participated in them for my TV Broadcast class that was shown to the entire school, so times were sensitive in the beginning, but I realized I didn't want to quit making videos, because I loved. I LOVED IT, and if other people didn't like my video, oh fucking well. My teacher says something about high school is where you should make all your second hand stuff, the place you should make all your worst mistakes, and learn from them before going out into the professional world, so that way you're freaking awesome after high school. So as much as it is embarrassing to show my face to the whole school, I'm more confident because I won't stop showing my face, as okay looking as it is.

I was in this commercial the other day about sleeping, because my friend needed an actor, so I helped her out, and later in the day when her commercial finally showed (a commercial that she was not in), someone assumed it was mine and told me to my face, "Your commercial this morning was boring and awkward...and that's just being frank." Course', I knew this guy, and his like a freaking alien people, but I still felt bad when he said that, even though I respected him for his flat out honesty, because seriously people, NOBODY does that, all I could think about saying back to him was "Fuck you.", because what do you say to that? It wasn't even my commercial. But yeah, I'm actually done talking about this, because I don't want to care about it anymore. I don't think I do, but I do want to remember it.

I want to remember that if other people can say shit without thinking through it first, why can't I?

I mean, I'll consider people's feelings. But I don't want to stay quite. I want to have a say in people's thoughts. I want to communicate and learn from other people, whether there stupid or not, but I don't want to be friends with them. The majority of the people at my school are just no....just no. Except one person, who I talk to everyday about whatever and she talks about whatever. I like to think of her as my best friend, but we still don't do things that best friends do, like hang out a lot and go over to each other's houses, but she is the best friend that I have ever had out of all of my friends. Along with this other girl from middle school that I wish I stayed in touch with. Everyone else, stupid. I hate pretending to like people.

Oh, and the third thing. I forgot it, but guys, I just want to tell you. I'm going to start a Youtube channel, and a website, and go to college, and be a strong person, and that's not an expectation. That's just pure knowledge.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Things Awesome colleges require from people that I unsuccessfully make an attempt at succeeding at everyday

1. Know the news people. Know what's going on in your government, in Iran's government, and basically all governments in the world and its societies, and most importantly, how it affects our own society (yours, not America's)

2. Create something. CREATE. Pages filled with words that tell a story. A science program, debate club, arts program, oh, and of course don't forget the existential overused but still in need of environmental program!!! Just create something

3. Win awards. Not just local regional awards. National Awards. NATIONAL Awards people in writing or science and engineering or whatever.

4. Read the classics to supposedly get a better understanding of the influence the past society had on today's society. And read books overall, so when in the college interview they ask what's single handedly the most significant thing you learned from books, you say: life and stuff. (not really; you say something with a hint of both pretentiousness and realism, or I guess the way you would say it in normal conversation.

5. Be smart. Just be smart in any way you can.

6. Challenge yourself and as a result deteriorate your sleeping schedule due to insomnia, stress, and homework on a subject you don't even believe should exist in your life (Chemistry)

7. Use BIG words. LIKE THIS. No- just kidding. Don't use big words...use higher level diction.....God I hate growing up.

8. Have a hard notch life to tell colleges about the rough life you lead while maintaining above a 4.0 GPA and winning national awards


Change the freaking world at age 16.

No exceptions. This one is seriously nonnegotiable. A must do.

By Awesome colleges I hope you understood Ivy league colleges, but really, they're not that awesome.

They're kind of ruining my life.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Land of the Lost Freakin Awesome Quote

"If you don't make it, it's your own damn fault."

That's a bitch-slap of truth right there.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

The Amazing Spiderman 2 and The Scarlett Letter

Wow. I've never had a direct issue with spoilers before.

So yep. I saw Spideyman today.

What can I say? It was horrible, it was awesome, and at some points freaking awesome. I don't know, I enjoyed it, and for some reason I enjoyed watching Harry Osborne the most, even over Peter Parker, but I must say their scenes together were win win. I think it was Dane DeHaan that made me really like Harry though. There's just something so menacingly beautiful about how he played the  character, and he himself is a rare beautiful creature. Is it weird to describe humans that way? If I knew him, yeah, that would be awkward.

Anyways, Spiderman gave me the feels, intense ones, especially at the end. Deaths I didn't actually believe the directors and writers would dare to do, did. My only question is, how can the movie even go on. AHHHHHHHH. I don't know. So many questions, so many possibilities. But honestly this character was a central core of this entirely new franchise of Spider man movie. I kept on hoping in this person would somehow come back alive, in any way possible, going through every opportunity or way in which this character could come back, but the thing is, it's just not going to happen. And as upsetting as it is, it's something-oh, frack it. Gwen Stacy Freaking Dies! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

I mean, her life was set. Everything was perfect, or close to it, and as the scenes continued to unravel, you say to yourself, "They can't possibly do it, they can't. No no no no no, get out of his vision sir, please leave. LEAVE", but you know its going to happen. The thing about this death is...its that Emma Stone- EMMA FREAKING STONE is not going to be in this series anymore, and even in real life Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone are together(and freaking adorable I may add). Sigh, but yeah.

As I was saying before, a death from someone so important to the main character is not lightly taken, and its not commonly done, so it was a bold move for them, at least in my opinion, for them to actually do it, and a new one. I know she dies in the comic books already, but you always had hope she would stay alive, not because she's a freaking genius and awesome character person, but also because Emma Stone plays her. But Fictional life is Fictional life, and as real life goes on, so must fictional life. There's still a story after the book ends guys.

So I'll miss Gwen. Not just Peter and Gwen, but Gwen, because Gwen was cool.

Anyways, by other comments on the movie, I thought it was pretty cool overall: the villains were all good, but it is somewhat discomforting watching Paul Giamatti as a Russian Rhino villain. Always like to hear his voice of complaint though. Ummm, what else? There were a lot of stories going around, and the scene where the planes are about to crash into each other, I'm just wondering if it really was essential to what was going on? It was pretty random, but whatever, it did increase the intensity of the battle scene.

Again, gotta give praise to Dane DeHaan. He was just so good. I don't know what it was! His sweetly evil smile, his anger and remorse, the way he felt pain... it was just so good! I'm really excited to get to know more of this guy.

Oh, and how this relates to The Scarlet Letter. I'm supposed to be working on it right now, but intsead I'm writing this.

Gotta go. I hear my parents coming close. Bye.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

A Short Story: Conscious and the Chemistry Exam Life Crises

I think it’s time for me to write a story.

Even in the middle of a Chemistry exam?

Yes. Because I don’t care about school anymore.


Or the future.


Or life in general. So I think I want to write a story, and repudiate this exam, right now.

Yeah, that’s definitely a possible contender in your next step towards a viable future, but consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, that might-not-be-the-best choice for you right now, you know?

What. I didn’t even ask you. You just automatically decided to pop up into my ongoing system of thoughts here, completely disregarding any common courtesy within my human brain. So disrespectful… So disrespectful.

Look, I know... It’s my job to interrupt 99% of all the decisions all humans make before they actually make them, and it sucks, it really sucks. You don’t think I’ve heard worse declarations of objection to what is basically my life? Yeah, well, I have, and it’s not pretty. But it’s my job. Without me, the world would be a lot more horrible than it already is, so people should be thanking me; getting on their freaking hands and knees for me; but all I get is terror and remorse.

What’s your name again?


Well Conscience, you are a son of a bitch.
A son of a bitch who saves the freaking world.

I know, I know.

You didn’t do so great with Hitler though man. That was a major mess-up on your part.

Yeah, I know. That whore just didn’t want to cooperate. And his stupidity levels were off the chart, so....

Yeah, but then there was Stalin too.


And Andrew Jackson.
Yeah, that was not cool.

OKAY I GET IT. Those aren’t exactly the highlights of my career.

Don’t worry, I get it. Humans are the worst…
Conscience, I’m having an unnecessary existential life crises right now, aren’t I?

You are.

It’s just that, I don’t know; I just wish I didn’t care so much about grades, or school, or the way society sees me or how I want them to see me. Why do I care? That’s the question, you know, Why? Supposedly it’s all for the future. You know, like college, and a career, and success. But I don’t even know what I want for the future. The worst part is, I want to make a difference. I want to help.  I want to change the freaking world. But can I? Will I? Those are the daunting questions that at its prime make my life miserable, and the fact that it seems that the only way society will allow me to change the world is if I have the best grades, go to the best college, win the most awards, and all that crap. And the thing is, I’m just….

You’re scared. You’re really fucking scared. Don’t worry man, I get it. I get scared all the time, and I've seen people get scared all the time The greatest people that have ever lived on this planet are the people that have been more scared than any other human being on this planet, from Martin Luther King Jr., to Gandhi, to Abraham Lincoln, and onward. Everyone needs to fear, to rise up and battle the fears themselves. We don’t get anywhere without fear. The greatest strength that fear gives humans is the ability to overcome that fear, and move forwards.   

Conscience, are you Fear?

Well, I guess you could say that, but really I’m just one little part of it. Fear is way too messed up to be just me anyways. I just try to regulate and guide Fear; but you’ll see, in the end, it’s up to the human to decide what to do with Fear. It’s a really messed up thing, I know.

Okay. Well, I have 30 minutes left for this Chemistry exam, so I think I’ll finish it up. I’ll despise every question with all my being, yes- but I’ll finish this test trying.  

Hey, and remember, even if you don’t get that A, you’ll still change the world; you’ll still make a difference, because you’re a human being, and a human being can do anything.  


 I don’t think I can write a story anymore though, time is at the essence, after all.

Well, I think you already did. 

Comedy...What in the world makes comedy?

Started from the bottom now we're here.

Started from the bottom now were here.


(deformed way of saying yeah.)

The phrase is becoming commonly used in a number of situations these days, and I don't know (well, maybe I have an Idea) what it is, but it's freaking hilarious.

Starting from the fact of the way it is sung, and worded by rapper Drake, the impersonation possibilities are endless. The fact that he brings a black, ghetto inspirational vibe to it automatically ignites this phrases' opportunity to be used by even the highest intellectuals in out nation; and ghetto black jokes can make up some of the funniest jokes, running catch lines and impersonation ever. For some reason, we find the stereotype personality traits given to "a ghetto black man" to be funny, because the personality that we shape them by is just so....unique. The change in voice and attitude. I don't know, there's just something that's makes us laugh about all these things, but why? WHYYYYY?

Aside from just the ongoing ghetto jokes, there's the penis jokes, the vagina jokes, the death jokes, the stupidity jokes, the uncomfortable jokes, and all the other running gags our world has come up with, don't you ever just wonder why it makes you laugh, just why? There must be some joke to life connection there or something. I don't know.

Laughing could really turn into this complicated matter, and it's kind of deliriously magical once you really think about the power of laughter and how we produce it from our very hearts and brains. It's awesome. I feel like questioning what exactly makes us laugh, but to put that into actual words kind of feels like it would ruin the entire secret and magic of laughter in itself.

So why don't we just laugh, forever. And leave it at that. I like laughing. And the cool thing is, laughter can happen anywhere, anyplace, anytime.  So yeah.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Sunday Morning

I really love listening to music people. And I now millions, billions, gazillions of people have said that throughout the history of the world. But out of those million, gazillion people, I love music, like no one else loves music. Everyone loves, and respects, and appreciates in their own way. But I just gotta say, always listen to music. It makes everything better.

I was listening to Sunday Morning by the Velvet Underground, and it just felt really nice. Need to listen to that song more closely. I have my own opinion over Sunday mornings. I'll write about it one day, hopefully.

Do you Wanna Be Partners?

"Ummm, I don't know."

Ummm, well don't you know it's common courtesy just to say freaking yes. Guess not, because you didn't say it. 

Yeah, so I was put in that situation. Unfortunately, I have a class were I have absolutely no communication with any of the people there. I'm serious. The day ends on an absolutely mute note for me, because I just can't speak in that class at all, so in other words, I don't have any friends in that class, or really any valid acquaintances, but we all have to suffer through that every once in a while, right?

Yeah, so sometimes, I would----------------------

You know what? I don't care anymore. I fortunately took a break from this terrible blog entry, and started doing and thinking about something more necessary, or urgent, like homework, or Korean Dramas/Comedies. Yeah, I'm past the Partner thing, because in the end I did eventually get one, and there may have been an awkward moment in the beginning, but the point is, we started our assignment, and finished it, and that was that. 

I'm glad that I asked that person though, because I had the courage to even ask and not just let the teacher figure it out for me, because that's how you do things. You have to go up, or stand up, or whatever, to get what you want or need, because if you don't do that, obviously you won't get it. Plus, you learn rejection, but to be honest, I'm extremely familiar with rejection.

It all worked out in the end; so I guess what I'm trying to say is don't care so much if people son't want to be partners with you; Fuck them, you know. Sorry for the language. In my opinion the F- word is the worst word, but simple emotions call for unnecessary extreme words.

Okay, guess I'm done ranting for today, but I would suggest, if you even read this, to just skip this entire blog entry, it's not even bad enough to put up, but I would feel wrong if I didn't publish something I already started, because it was starting to sound really weird, or awkward, but oh well hoes. I published it, even though it was terrible.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

When you need to Write a Blog...Because You Need to

Wow, my title sounds really needy.
If you watch The 70's Show, I'm pretty sure there's a reference to Fez's neediness.

Anyways, let's pass the bad jokes or puns, or whatever I did above. So, I'm in the, or was in the, beginning stages of stressing out. I need to practice violin today, but it's already 11 PM. I'm gonna do it anyways, but I need to write a blog to relieve the stress. 

I have a lot on my plate coming up this week, and most of it revolves around U.S History, because my AP exam for that class is May 14th, so stress is surmounting, and I have a limited amount of time to DO things before school ends. Do things that I want to do, NOT involving school, we'll kind of not and kind of yes. 

I also want to watch a lot of movies. For this week, I accomplished a decent amount of movies, and good ones. Seriously, it was a good weekend. So I think I'll list them. 

First up: 

Hairbrained. This one was funny, and it was the first movie I have seen with Alex Wolff (who I love) as the lead, and he was just awesome, and awkward, and of course, genius, since he does play a genius in the movie. I'll write more on it another day, and a review I found on the internet about it that I strongly disagree with.

13 Going on 30: I've seen this movie so many times; but that was when I was a lot younger. So watching it now is a lot sadder, and of course, I know more. It's actually one of my favorite movies, ever. You may think that's stupid, but if you don't think it's a great movie, I don't know what's wrong with you. And Jennifer Gardner and Mark Ruffalo are awesome people!

The last one I'll list for today, since I have a duty to my violin, is: 

The Book Thief: This movie was pretty freaking great. I have so much respect for this story. I really need to read the book....or shall I say steal it-no- "borrow" it, as Liesel puts it. I WILL write a review on this movie. I'm almost sure I will buy it. Anyways, here's a picture.

That's it for today folks. See ya. 

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Woah guys, I wrote a Poem, and I NEVER write poems

So as the title clearly states, I wrote a poem, and I kind of like it, because it was an easy poem to write. I didn't feel forced to sound monumentally inspiring and all that stuff. It was just simple, and I really like simple.

I’m scared I am not growing up to be the person
I think I am growing up to be,
Or even want to grow up to be.

I’m scared of feeling like I’m living solely to
Please others,
And not feeling like I’m living to
Please myself.

I’m scared of how much I care about
The possibility of failure
I’m scared that
Everything I know could just as easily be
Real as it is fake.

This is not a past.
This is not a future.
This is a right now.
I’m scared right now.

If I wasn’t scared,
I would be scared.
Fear is the only thing that holds us back.
And fear is the only thing that moves us forward.

So I think I’ll stay scared,

Phoenix (the band) is awesome, and just because of a EW interview...

So, I just finished reading this article on this French band Phoenix, and guys, I've had this Entertainment magazine since, I don't know, April 2013, and I've never bothered to read this interview Ray Rahman, I'm assuming a contributing write to the magazine, had with this band. And the pictures always look ed so cool, and.... yeah, up till a few minutes ago all I could say is the pictures of the band looked cool.

And that's just not cool. I really felt like reading something; something new, so I did. And I may have just found one of my favorite, or perhaps awesomest quotes of ALL TIME PEOPLE, regarding music at least.

So this is what they said:

"We've never been impressed by instrumentalists. Songs, ideas-yes."

Ladies and gentlemen, Phoenix.

So when I read that, I really had to stop, because it kind of refutes so much of what I think, and so much of what I want to think.

I play the violin guys, if you didn't know that already, and as the years have gone by, technically a limited 4 and a half years, the violin to me has become so much less of an object and more of a...feeling, I guess, as cheesy as it sounds. The violin itself is a feeling, and when I look at it, and play it, that how I see it now. And it's awesome, what I can do and create with this feeling (violin) with my own bare hands and body. 

But then there's that distracting interruption of reality, and people, and the future, and then, sometimes the violin becomes a competition among kids, or teenagers I guess, in my school, and over the state, and I don't like that. 

So how the quote relates with playing violin? Well, the violin, I won't say it's an easy instrument, it's just hard to control sometimes, for me, and as much as I love the music that I play with my violin, it gets hard to play really complicated music that I want to play and sounds really nice. I'm not at that level yet, to play extremely hard, or even what some may call complicated music- but see, here's the problem already: Why call the music hard, or complicated, or easy, or describe it in any manner of difficulty, you know? In the end it's all music, it's all feeling. 

It's not that hard to feel people, and feeling, and ideas, and sound is what music is. 

So I really appreciate what Phoenix said in the interview. I can't say I won't be impressed by instrumentalists ever again, because sometimes watching what some musicians can do with music is insane. But I just don't think it's what will or already impresses me the most. But Songs, ideas-yes. 

And that's all there is to it. 

By the way, as I was writing this, I decided to hear Wolfgang Amadeus, I think Phoenix's 4th or fifth album, and it's awesome. Really. They have the songs, they have the ideas; and it's more than impressive. It's good music. Really good.

Okay, I'm done for today. Bye.

Friday, May 2, 2014

The Sad Times, The Happy Times. It's a Bipolar week; isn't it every week?

Hey guys. I know I may be speaking to no one, but at least it feels like I'm speaking to an invisible man...kind.

See what I did there? Eh, Eh? Okay, anyways. It's been as good of a week as bad of a week. There can never really be a single way to characterize a week anyways, but this week is a pretty decent mixture of both. 

So for this entry I think I'll start out by saying what's happening in the coming days, because it's a lot of stuff man...kinda, it just feels that way. 

Tomorrow, I'm indulging my little, or average size self in a humongous practice AP U.S History Exam, reportedly recorded as one of the earliest AP exams ever created (It sounds like centuries ago, but it was really begun merely 40 years ago people). Yeah, so that's my day tomorrow, and I'm honestly excited, either to fail, or kind of succeed in some way, I hope. I was studying a few minutes ago, but things happened. (Distraction and eagerness to write). ANYWAYS, I feel determined to take this Practice AP Exam. I feel totally ready for anything. That reminds me, I need to practice my violin.

But other than the 3 hours that will consume my brain with history going back all the way to colonial times, I will be going to a Vietnam Veterans Festival at a nearby park, called Wickham. It's really cool; I've gone to it every year ever since I moved to Florida, and it makes me feel aware of what some people have to go through compared to me. Every time my family and I go, my dad always likes to point out how were in the forests, conducting our own search and destroy missions like in Vietnam, with our own military dog, since Wickham Park is actual a fairly large forests with trails we walk through every weekend, and it's funny. The Platoon references are non-stop people. 
We also recently watched this National Geographic, or maybe History channel documentary series on Vietnam, called VIETNAM HD, and I learned more from it than I did from my own history class, and it's an absolutely awesome series, with stories of actual war veterans, and the reality of it just becomes more daunting as you go through its' six episodes. Definitely recommend it, if my recommendation is worth anything, who knows, but not lying, this series is something every person should watch. 

Anyways, now on the topic of my long lost past: the bipolar week.

Let's start of with the negative. I cried a lot this week, and felt really insecure, and the lack of sleep was not helpful in brightening any mood that I could muster up for a relentless socialistic school day, so school; yeah, no good. no good at all. I think it may have been in a previous posts that I said this, but I've been thinking a lot this week about the person I'm growing up to be, but the thing is, I'm worried that I just may not be growing up to be the person I think I'm growing up to be. Or if I even want to be that person. I never thought about the kind of person I want to be. Never; I only thought about the places I want to be. So that's why this is all really confusing to me, so I guess, I don't really now what I've decided yet, not that I expect to figure out the kind of person I want to grow up to be within the end of this week, or any time soon. Sometimes, I don't think I ever will. And I think that's okay. I mean, look at Bob Dylan.

So after crying to my mom about my internal contradicting conflicts, I feel better, I feel good, and confident. I don't know what I would do without my mother. I'd basically have to cry constantly through the inside of my body, because it's easy to cry with my mom, because she knows me so well, and I'm starting to get to know her well, and when I'm with her, crying feels okay, also especially with my dad, once I start crying in front of my dad, boom, I go all out, and just telling them what I feel helps, because my body just can't handle all that tension on its own. So after my weekly meltdown, I had my happy part of the day, my determined part of the day. 

And that part of the day, when I realized what I am capable of and what I want to do all over again; it was a good time. I almost completed my first full fledged short film/commercial production, and it's not so bad. It's pretty decent actually, and it makes me really proud. It felt good editing something I can solely call mine. It's what I want to do forever. Today my teacher also decided to point out to me that I was a "smart kid", and that doesn't really happen a lot, and I don't think it should, but I really appreciated that comment, because she was telling me she believed in me. She believed that I had something to say, and I did. I could be myself with my friend, and I hope that continues, because she's a really cool person; definitely cooler than anyone else at this damned high school that I seem to go to. It's not the high schools' fault; it's just the people that go to it, but all of them are trying out who they are anyways also, so its confusing and miserable for all of us, but everyone definitely has their own way of finding who they are. Personality definitely complicates things. 

But yeah, it was a good week, and a bad week. I'm officially failing chemistry as of 15 minutes ago, but that's because my teacher did not tell me to turn in the worksheets everyone else turned in when I was absent, and that kind of stooped my moral for a little bit, but I raised it back up again, so I'll be okay. 

Also, i wish I didn't care so much about grades. I really think the educational pressure in my life is depleting to my health. I took a chemistry test today, and since In knew that a lot was resting on that test, it really nerved me up, and since it was such an importance test, faith had me forget my calculator, and for the first 15 minutes I had to suffer through using my teacher's useless replica of a mini-calculator that should not even exist on the planet. Finally, the merciful lord blessed me with a kind soul that let me borrow her calculator, and I was able to at least finish that test. The part that made me really sad and ashamed at that experience was what happened to me in those firsts few minutes of my tests, where I had a crappy calculator, and was unable to do my stoichiometry; I was on the very extreme verge of tears. I was doing all in  my power to keep from screaming "FUUUUUUCCKKKK" every 10 seconds. I was nearly biting my lip off, and the crease lines in my forehead refused to cooperate. I was so destroyed by the fact that I would fail this test and the rest of my chemistry grade and as a result my grade point average because of a fucking stupid subject that I hope and plan to never use at such level ever, in my life. I hated the pressure. I was in so much pressure for a useless topic that I was ashamed. But now I'm tired, and don't care as much anymore. 

BUT, I'm still so ready to take that practice AP US History exam. I'm ready. I'll see you later. 

Oh, I also want to mention I watched The Book Thief. I think it just became one of my favorite movies ever. That's another part of growing up that I'm trying to figure out. What movies are my favorite movies, because a movie really is a huge part of defining who you are, and helping people learn about the person you are becoming, or person you became, or already are. I love movies, and books. I love books. I'm excited for the present. I'm excited for the future too. But soon, the future will become the present, so I've decided that the future is the present. I'll see you later. Sleep time. (I was listening to this song while writing my last paragraph. Aha, coincidence?)