Successfully Wasted the Past 2 Hours

I don't know.  Sometimes I just don't feel super great, and decide to make myself feel worse by looking through social media, because at first there's some curiosity there, and then after you've spent a little while looking over at pictures, you're like, "How is this even entertaining me? This shit is boring, and I'm talking about Facebook here. I usually don't spend so much time on Facebook anymore, but today I decided to go past the usual 5 minutes and venture onto, mmmhhh,  I don't know, 20 minutes, I hope. And I've got things to do, a whole other life to lead other than the one that I have (or lack thereof) have in social media.

Sometimes, do you ever feel like you didn't live up to your expectations, as a person?

I feel kind of constricted at school, and sometimes, all of the time, I don't like that. I wish I could be myself, but I just can't.

Either that, or maybe I'm just really freaking boring.

Today, my friend told me I'm no fun, and that really bugged me and brought me down the whole day, and the only reason was because I had to film a few shots for this short video I'm doing, and she was supposed to be in them, but she was late, so me and my other cooler(that't right) friends finished before she came, and when she finally saw me afterwards asking about the video, she all of a sudden said I'm no fun. I mean, who the fuck does that hoe thinks she is? She doesn't even know me well enough to say that, because I won't let her, because she just makes me uncomfortable, and unwilling to be myself.

Don't you just wish SO MUCH that you could just call off a friendship forever and never see them again? Unfortunately, I have a class with her, and my other friends are friends with her, so the awkwardness would be just too profuse to handle, so all I'm left with is going the distance, until hopefully, we have no classes together next year, and I don't have to see her freaking face again...but sadly I think we're destined to have at least one class together, which is sad.

But yeah. Today when I went to school, I felt like I had no personality at all, and I was just the blandness of my high school, when everyone else had color. Not a good day.

Yesterday was also my last orchestra concert of the year, and a lot of seniors are leaving this year, and when we finished our set, my director got kind of emotional, which in turn made me really emotional. Unfortunately, I cry easy. Especially when other people are about to cry, and they start to make that face. I can't even. But it was really nice nonetheless, and orchestra really was a huge part of my life, and part of making this one of the best years ever, even though it was also one of the loneliest, hardest, funniest, loving years ever. A lot happened this year. Things that you'll never know about, unless I write a book, and I hope I do. I hope I do.

Well, I think I might be done spilling emotional neediness/problems out for today. I don't know if I ever told you this, but the internet really is indispensible, so I can write as much shit as I want bitcheeees. SO I'm gonna keep doing it, cause writing makes me happy. Well, not necessarily writing, but words, and telling/ writing them to someone or something. I'M TELLING THE STORY OF MY INTERNAL FEELINGS PEOPLE! So you're just going to have to deal with it blogger, because I need this.

And I just reread an Entertainment Weekly article on Lena Durham,and it made me feel better, because she's awesome.

I want HBO.

Check out the Tumblr yo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1wd-BZggSw

The above is my Tumblr ladies and gentlemen, and there's a lot more pictures there than here, so it's pretty cool bro.

Yep, I'm done.

What to watch on Netflix that you may or may not not like, but you are going to like for sure, or not, or yes:

Watch it. Some great quotes in there.

Women History Essay Time

I just gotta say, I've never felt more proud of what I'm writing about and what I'm writing overall.

Because for serious,

I'm writing the best damn women's right essay EVER.

Probably not, but I'm doing pretty well in it, because I have a lot to live up to.

My dad initially gave me this great counterpart for the essay, and I almost cried when I heard it, because it was so true. I never thought of it that way. I'm glad to say that I don't completely agree with him in all parts, but with that counterpart, he helped me create my own opinion on the role and status of women.

(By the way, the topic is to "Evaluate the validity of the statement: The role and status of women basically stayed the same throughout the 20th century".)

I can't wait to finish it. I'm thinking about putting it on my blog, because this ideal and look about women is really interesting and complicated to me, but I'll change the essay a little to put it a less sophisticated sound the essay has, because I think it needs to sound natural; it needs to have my normal, wacky, coming of age voice, not the sophisticated one you are required to put on when writing an essay, forcing to put up extreme creative writing limitations for ideas and words.

Anyways, I'll get back to it, and hopefully you all, whoever you all is, or is not, since probably no one reads this blog, will get to see it.

Okay, I'm done for now. Bye.

Reagan Smash

For you're historical enjoyment:

If whoever of you did not know, Reagan had Alzheimer's after his presidential term ended, and is the basis of this joke. Kinda mean, but unfortunately funny.

God Damn You Chemistry

I try people. You know I try, but damn is Chemistry the worst, THE WORST, possible topic of existence on this planet earth. I can't do it; I just can't and it's totally the source of my forthcoming ruined future. Damn, I can't even tell my parents this or they'll freak out more than they ever have before in their lives, at least concerning grades. I officially have a C; no, you know what, I barely have a C.

There's only one thing left to do, or two I guess: Pray to God to give me the brains and strength to raise that on the edge of the cliff C to at least, AT LEAST, a mediocre B. Seriously, I'm doing that as we speak, or type I guess...

I've never had such a dangerous grade issue affect me this much before. I feel like I'm losing my mind, because for anyone who reads this, you know how ambitious I am, and the things I want to accomplish, and although many probably think I'm over-exaggerating, the way to go is get the best grades and get into a great college. I mean, this past year, I'm beginning to think it doesn't even matter that much what college you go to, just if you have the talent. People don't even go to college, and a number of them achieve their dreams and ambitions.

So you can see how much I hate that this horrible lame ass C is affecting me, when I wish it wouldn't so much. I hate that people expect a certain person from me, and the person I expect from myself, because I can be a lazy ass human being one day, and then most committed, ruthless human being the next day. I wish I could be both and work them both out cohesively into my life, because I like to be a lazy-ass: I get to watch T.V, for hours. It's part of a necessary daily routine.

I could tell you all these wishes that I have. About how I wish I could just watch T.V for the rest of my life, or how I wish school didn't have to be so lame, or how i wish chemistry didn't exist, or how i wish chemistry could rot in purgatory, but the deal we unknowingly make when we enter mother earth, is that we have to deal with life, and all the shit that comes with it. I try to remind myself everyday how crappy life is, and the only way I can make it through, is to deal with it, because if I don't tell myself I need to deal, "you gotta deal", I am going to crack.

Everything depends on so much, and it seems you can't ever let go of your reams for a freaking millisecond.

Sigh.

You want to know what the test was on?

Chemical Reactions, and other stuff. See, I can barely tell you what this test was on.

I don't know. I'm just really upset and frazzled over how it all turned out. My teachers don't prepare me well, and distracted myself way too much with Korean Dramas and music. The Korean Pop was too infectiously luscious, specifically CN Blue. (Search them up, they're actually pretty good.)

Anyways, the road ahead contains a lot of pathetic begging for extra credit, dealing with a stubborn, uncaring teacher (even though she's funny), and dealing with the rest of the shit life throws at me, because that is life's purpose. Yes.

I can do this. I know I can. I'm not bragging here. I'm just trying to encourage myself from getting out of a major ditch, and if my parents find out I fell so low, they'll drown me in it with their overflow of disappointment, and I just can't handle that. (What a lame analogy. Sorry, I never do analogies, so I thought I would try it out: Unsuccessful)

Don't worry, I'll be back, and shove my foot up chemistry's ass butt (Too many bad words- I'm not used to using so many at one time). Just wait.

FSPA 2014... It's more than journalism Part 1

You know that when you listen to Hans Zimmer's Inception soundtrack, it's time to get deep.


Just kidding, but listening to "Time" -Hans Zimmer- realy makes me want to think, really think; and feel.


So this is a rare blog... a weird one really. I'm not at home, and I'm writing from a totally stranger computer... (were not really connecting, just kidding, this hotel computer is okay, but the keyboard is LI-TE-RAT-LY the worst keyboard I have ever written on in my life. I have never had to press down on keys  with such pressure in my life.)


Anyways, yeah. I'm in a resort that's not my home; I'm in the middle of the hotel bar/lounging area, and it's kinda awkward, because there's people passing by and I'm starting to get really paranoid that they're going to stop to read what I'm writing and judge me, but then I think, WHO CARES, and the Inception soundtrack helps.


Coming here, I wasn't expecting a whole lot, but sitting here, in front of this computer I've never seen, a place I've never been in, with people I barely know,  without my family-people that always make me happy, I can't help but feel good in a way. Within this convention, there's so many stories and futures that are going to grow along mine, and it makes me proud. These people have one goal; and it's to tell a story, nothing else. Tell stories; with their minds and brains and words and expressions: what people my age do here and in their tiny communities is insane. Were explaining to people about a changing community, a changing society, a changing world, and that's something nobody else but us wants to do.


--------To be continued, because I was interrupted by time, and as of now I have officially changed settings, so talk will be different.------

Thoughts on Holidays...even the measly ones; oh, and writing competitions too

Tomorrow, I go to the Florida Scholastic Press Association Convention, otherwise in simpler terms known as, a FL student journalist convention! Yay!

Wait, let's take a break. I'll be back in 20 minutes, but you won't really know that because you can't see me... Ummm, okay, whatever. I'm being forced to clean my room after delaying for too long. Will come back.


Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but this is officially a FAILED INCOMPLETE, again, FAILED BLOG. Why, because the rushed feeling of packing up the day before a journalist convention, and the constant direct questions of what clothes I'm going to take, or what perfume I'm gonna take, and the increasingly irritating sound of Beyonce's If I Were A Boy in the background that my sister refuses to stop singing....

The continuation of my previous thoughts on holidays and my worries and excitement for writing competitions is over now, because I don't remember them after an experience of anxious haste and irritation all due to putting clothing into a suitcase.

SO, to calm me down, here are my choices:

1. Watch Family Ties
2. Write some more/blog some more about crap or whatever
3. Think about good elementary school moments
4. I would watch VGHS (Video Game High School, one of the best TV shows ever) but sadly I finished Season 2 today, and it made me sad, even though the show is freaking hilarious, I now have to wait months for Season 3
5. I don't know
6. What is life...no no, I'm kidding were not gonna do that. I'm kidding people, calm your judgement down


Exciting things to come and blog about......I love the silence those extended dots (.....) create that I can't recall the name of right now. Anyways:

-Pretty sure the stars of The Fault In Our Stars are coming to Florida, because FL basically number 1 in the Demand TFIOS tumblr contest, and I'm specifically losing my mind over the possibility of meeting Nat Wolff, John Green will be such an overwhelming treat too, You know what, Ansel and Shailene will be tremendous treats as well. It'll be awesome
-Starting up my own offbeat (I may have mentioned this already) community magazine
-RAGING BULL, ROBERT DENIRO
-VGHS

I can't think of other things exciting me right now... so for now, ---ELIPSES, that's what these .... are called; anyways--- ...so for now, I leave you with this:

Two Door Cinema Club- What You Know

A Delirious Moment

de·lir·i·ous

diˈli(ə)rēəs/

adjective

1. 1.

   in an acutely disturbed state of mind resulting from illness or intoxication and characterized by restlessness, illusions, and incoherence of thought and speech

The above is an accurate description of my state of being. 

About 30 minutes ago, I created a Wordpress website, and as soon as that became a reality, I felt like I betrayed you Blogger. And I like you better. You are...less artificial. You're like my home, and stupid Wordpress is like school, AKA inferno. 

I didn't like it. 

So what's my issue right now? I have like a stinging anxious vibration throughout my body, especially my brain. It's scared. It's confused. It dreams too much, and it just doesn't know. It doesn't know! 

So yeah, I had a horrific moment of delirium. You see, I am in high school, and that basically ruins everything, yet provides you with everything. This week, as expected, make-up tests, ceremonies, essays, reading assignments... and then apparently today my pumping brain decides it wants to think about my goals, and life, and dreams, and I'm like, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING BRAIN? YOU'RE FREAKING MAKING ME FEEL THE JIGGLES, AND NOT THE GOOD JIGGLES, THE BAD JIGGLES GOD DAMMIT."

It (my brain) wants me to decide what to do with the rest of my life RIGHT NOW, when I'm supposed to be studying for a freaking Pre-Calculus test. I don't have time for that. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

When these thoughts and feelings happen, there's this moment in my brain and body that goes into auto mode, and I officially enter a delirious state within my brain. I'm not a human anymore, I'm a brain, and it just gets annoyingly overpowering. I start to think about all the things I want to do, like start a freaking awesome teenage run newspaper, not a lame cheesy one, start a off-beat web series on YouTube, start to publish my writing on magazines, write a screenplay.....IT"S TOO MUCH, but it's what my brain wants, and it's what I want. 

That's why I wanted a stupid Wordpress. Supposedly it's the best place to create a base of a magazine website, but it just ended up creating another blog for me, and if I want to expand it, I need to pay. I don't have money people! 

But then, after that delirious moment where the Earth became a setting and not a place I lived in, and the space around me grew tinier and tinier, I went on Blogger, and everything felt a lot better. It became easier to breathe, to  think, to feel, and to focus.

I don't have a feeling of intense fear of anxious vibration on the surface of my body, if you know what I mean. Usually when I have that kind of tension I become really, scarily warm, but body heat is thankfully back to normal. 

Anyway, Blogger always makes me feel like I'm making a kind of contribution, or at least some kind of contribution, and I feel safe again. And although when you're in high school, and have a bunch of other things to focus on, feeling safe in your life is good, it doesn't help you to step away from your boundaries, and create your brain thoughts into reality. 

So I'm going to have to start feeling wary, and unsafe, and soon, because that's the only way I will not fear future, present, or past regret, if you know what I mean. BUT, I have school matters to worry about, so I shall leave the daring, unsafe feelings for the weekend. Just wait. Just wait my friends. 

Random thought of the day: Ummm, Nick cave and the Bad Seeds-basically perfection. 

 

The seven day record

So, It's a 7 day record people, whoever you people are that don't read my useless blog. SEVEN DAY RECORD? Record of what you ask? Of no blogging of course. C'mon, stay up to task here people. (I've said people way too much already)

SO anyways, seven days is prohibited my friends. I can't have a 2011 flashblack. I forbid it. The aim of this blog is to write, if possible everyday, because it gives me a chance to hone practice my writing skills( Ew, did you see that? I used the word HONE... God, sometimes high level words sound so pretentious and lame).

I know that what I write is far from good. Lord, it's far from bad. I don't even know what it is, but I like putting my thoughts on technological paper, as well as solid 3D paper. So it's important to me that I write something at a consistent rate.

I have a few things I want to write on. I'll list them, but I can't promise you I will actually write on them (I think I have explained my issues with writing before, right? It's a complicated subject, but anyways)
-Wayne's World movie review and my love for characters like Garth
-Anchorman 2 and Brick, Brick, BRICK
-Nat and Alex Wolff
-The Violin
-Vietnam
-The Wierd Days
-Korean Rom-Coms Bro. I can't help myself

I think I had more things in mind, but I can't really think of them. Unfortunately, life is getting really, unlawfully busy, and struggles are ahead, but I will TAKE HEED! I don't know what I just said, or wrote, or typed in this case.

Anyways.

I'll write more, and about more meaningful, informational things, but always expect random brain thoughts.
Anyways, this blog was really mainly going to be about never again not writing a blog for more than seven days. And I have a GIF to express my feelings. I hope you know where it originates from, because it's origination is Aweeeeeeeesooooooome.

No NO WE AIN'T HAVIN' THAT.

Refers to another seven day vacant blog record.

SCIENCE FAAAAAaaaaiiiirrrr....why.

That time of year again, in which thousands of researchers drive up once again to their local state fairs with either a envios passion to rule the science streets, or an even deeper passion to get this shit over with.

I don't mean any direct disrespect by calling state science fairs "shit", but it is that the teenage mind gets incredibly tired and lazy, all the time. Our burst of energy can only last for so long, am I right? But to be honest, much of the time that's mostly our fault for sleeping so inherently late.

By "our" of course I mean "me".

Yeah, I'm that kind of person, if you haven't assumed already. I do science fairs and win awards, but take into consideration this is my first time doing this, and that is due to the relentless urge of my parents to take science research as a class. So perhaps I am not that kind of person, the scienc-y, math, tech-y person. I am not, or have ever been, or ever will be that person. But I will tell you one thing. I am a person who cares about what I take on, and take responsibility for commitments. But I will also say I am the person who has short lapses of laziness, and they are deadly ladies and gentleman.

Anyways, back to how this relates to science fair... yeah, Im really lazy right now, just like I told you, I am having a mini lapse of laziness, but that is also because this is my third time doing daily presentations of my project, and right now, I don't want to do that, but I cant give up, I just can't, both by the force of the school board and the force of my conscious. I refuse to try my least, or my conscious refuses to try my least, and it is so annoying. Why can I not just be average. I wish I could CHOOSE to be, but my conscious and my brain and my will forbids that.

Tomorrow is presentation day, and I promise you, I will be staying up late going over everything I need to maintain composure give the best engineering presentation that I could possibly give.

Maybe one day Ill tell you what my project was.on, because the intent really makea me proud. There's a story to this remorse behind my project, but that is top secret, as well as my project.

I am now at an opening ceremony that hasnt even started yet, but honestly, Im just waiting for the closing ceremony, but THANKFULLY, Im getting an early pick up, and dont have to go through the uncomfortable bus ride with some stranger kid back home.

Hmmm, I honestly don't know what anyone can take out of my blogs. They are so pointless and bad. Sorry. I dont know, sometimes I just need/want to write, because it is nice. I like words, even though I may put them together so disastrously, but when there's no people around- even if there's people around, writing words is the worlds best source of communication.

Science Competition...When it's okay to be judged

Or, at least, when you HAVE to be judged, but really, that doesn't always have to be the case.

Some judges are pretty cool people, and give you hope in your future with science... and that sounds super cheesy, but some are really encouraging because they know what teenagers can do. Sometimes, when I'm faced with the information, teenagers are freaking crazy amazing. How does someone do all that at that age?! We are just as special as we are horrible.

It's nice here. Well, at least kinda nice: The people around you are impressive, and incredible socialites, at least with each other. My only source of socialization in this fair is with my brain and Antonio Mendez. Get it? Maybe not because it's pretty confusing, but I'm reading a book: by Antonio Mendez ofcourse, and therefore, I'm basically  communicating with his brain. Yes, it is true.

Anyways, forgive my dumbness. So yeah. Today is competition day, or otherwise known as wrath of the titanic science and math intellectuals, or otherwise stereotypically regarded as NERDS. Personally, I've never really liked that as a label to all science researchers, because some of this kids are total loose buttholes and not cool and horrible people. But really that is a small percentage, and the rest of us, from what it seems like, have the many characteristics of the average nerd.

But again, today is science competition day, and may of us have been sitting on our daringly uncomfortable chairs for painfully long periods of time, and I've used WAY too many adjectives or whatever grammar term in this paragraph.

So yeah, science fair is a big competition, and a fight to the death. Just kidding. Everyone is pretty modest, and we are required to sit for long periods of time, and we get incredibly tired, AND we have to attempt to maintain our tummy issues to a minimum and prevent from farting one use fart in the middle of the entire convention due to the chineses cuisine you ate earlier, and sometimes the whole thing is just an incredbly uncomfortable experience.

So there are positives, and there are negatives.
Science Research is becoming a pretty big part of my life, and as much as it inspires me, as much as it provides me, as much as I really like it, do I really want to do it?

I dont now, but I think I do, because if I dont, I'll regret it for the rest of my life...but then again there are other top secret eeasina, but anyways. I guess I just wanted to write about my experience with the judges.

I just wish there were more women judges for engineering. Now you know what category I was in. There should be a fair for movie information, or movie concepts. I would totally place for that... or not.

Random Statement of the day: earth is round and I have email RIGHT now

I've Just Seen A Face

Why is the title a Beatles song?

Well, because that's the song stuck in my brain right now. (By the way, I refuse to say head anymore and instead say brain, because brain sounds more awesome)

Anyways, no romantic connection to the title. Instead, this blog covers mediocre inspiration.

It's a tricky subject, but it's a vibrant issue in my life, unfortunately. I have written of this before, in one or two sentences in the past, but it needs greater addressing.

There are days, especially Fridays, where I look over my bookmarks in my Google account, and it is mostly made up of various writing opportunities that I had planned to grasp in my hand and actually try publishing some of my writing, but as of yet, success has been little, and the battle within me and my consciousness rages.

Why don't I just write something and publish it, or enter into some contest already?!

I can honestly say I don't really know, and maybe never will know, It's an extremely internal struggle that I have inside of me when there is this opportunity that can give me so much, yet I just bookmark it and I don't go back to it until months later.

I think it's because I'm scared. But of what? Rejection? Actually accomplishing something?

It's a weird feeling man, and in the end I just don't end up writing anything at all and continue to spend the rest of my time looking at other writing opportunities to be published instead of actually doing the writing.

My brain has words in them! Why don't I show them to people, just to try to make something of my brain, or showcase it, or I don't even know. That's why I really love this blog. I don't have any fears at all writing in this blog, because most likely no one is going to read it, and the purpose of this blog is at its best mediocrity and randomness.

So back to the concept of mediocre inspiration. When I say that, I'm talking about the time I spend searching for opportunities for my freaking life and future, but doing nothing to carry out those opportunities.

Very few times have I actually fulfilled the feat of entering a writing contest, or publishing a piece of my writing, and that's probably less than 5 times in my life.

I don't know what it is, but slowly, I'm starting to change in that part of my conscious. I'm overpowering the weakness and hesitancy that before used to overpower me way too much, and I can do this people. Whatever this is, but something associated with creating stories or writing overall, because writings awesome people.

I will leave you all with this gem of a GIF.

So I guess this part relates to my title, and I just need people to take more notice and appreciatoin of this movie, Stuck In Love, and its director Josh Boone, and of Nat Wolff, who acts in it as Rusty Borgens. Awesome movie about writers. 

It is 12 AM in the morning, so here's some Dancing in the Dark

Bruce Springsteen people. Bruce Springsteen. Amazing song, amazing artist.

Nat and Alex Wolff always cover this song so freaking amazingly, and it sounds even better acoustic. Seriously, the emotion and passion is insane you want to be there singing that song on that stage right next to them, seriously rocking out! And I never say rocking out, because it sounds cheesy to me, but those are just the perfect words to describe this performance.

"You can't start a fire... You can't start a fire without a spark...This gun's for hire, even if were just dancing in the dark"

A Quickie Blog. Why? Because of Stupid HW

When someone tells you they could write an endless blog covering the topic of their hatred for Homework, you believe them, because hatred for homework is real, extremely real.

Sigh.

Fine. Then thing is, procrastination, interests in other features of the world, better and more diverse ways to use your time on this Earth for. Those are just a few of the reasons Homework is one of a teenagers many ultra enemies from the first day of high school.

Procrastination for us millennial is on average most notably guided by the internet, or the television. Bless and curse those putrid angelic devices.

Once the power for a TV screen goes on, or a computer, you divulge yourself into the technological world, and find that it's so much cooler than crap homework.

So why am I writing this?

Because I have an entire essay due tomorrow for History on the glorious President Eisenhower... And clearly, I do not want to do it, not at all. At least this blog writing makes me look busy in the face of my parents, so it looks like my home education life is thriving, but they know me, so they'll get a close up look soon, and I'll quickly switch the screen to an educational school tab while trying not too smirk or look suspicious, but it fails nearly every time. I can't contain my guiltiness. It's a sad fact.

Oh well, I know my blogs are usually a lot longer, but I have an essay people, so I'm now going to ask my conscius not to distract my brain with any websites on movies, TV shows, Nat and Alex Wolff, social networking sites, Netflix, and all other technology unless it is a calculator. So yeah... Better get back to that essay.

God, I hate homework.

Seriously, God, human to heavenly spirit here, banish HW forever.



Just kidding. Sometimes HW is beneficial and when I have had an extremely wasteful day it makes me feel more important and like a contributor to this world... But still, I like to have a few breaks every once in a while.

Random Statement of the Day: Oracular Spectacular by MGMT. I know it was released back in 2008, but renewed recognition and praise for this album by many is needed, because it's freaking great.