Monday, April 21, 2014

A Delirious Moment

  1. 1.
    in an acutely disturbed state of mind resulting from illness or intoxication and characterized by restlessness, illusions, and incoherence of thought and speech

The above is an accurate description of my state of being. 

About 30 minutes ago, I created a Wordpress website, and as soon as that became a reality, I felt like I betrayed you Blogger. And I like you better. You are...less artificial. You're like my home, and stupid Wordpress is like school, AKA inferno. 

I didn't like it. 

So what's my issue right now? I have like a stinging anxious vibration throughout my body, especially my brain. It's scared. It's confused. It dreams too much, and it just doesn't know. It doesn't know! 

So yeah, I had a horrific moment of delirium. You see, I am in high school, and that basically ruins everything, yet provides you with everything. This week, as expected, make-up tests, ceremonies, essays, reading assignments... and then apparently today my pumping brain decides it wants to think about my goals, and life, and dreams, and I'm like, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING BRAIN? YOU'RE FREAKING MAKING ME FEEL THE JIGGLES, AND NOT THE GOOD JIGGLES, THE BAD JIGGLES GOD DAMMIT."

It (my brain) wants me to decide what to do with the rest of my life RIGHT NOW, when I'm supposed to be studying for a freaking Pre-Calculus test. I don't have time for that. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

When these thoughts and feelings happen, there's this moment in my brain and body that goes into auto mode, and I officially enter a delirious state within my brain. I'm not a human anymore, I'm a brain, and it just gets annoyingly overpowering. I start to think about all the things I want to do, like start a freaking awesome teenage run newspaper, not a lame cheesy one, start a off-beat web series on YouTube, start to publish my writing on magazines, write a screenplay.....IT"S TOO MUCH, but it's what my brain wants, and it's what I want. 

That's why I wanted a stupid Wordpress. Supposedly it's the best place to create a base of a magazine website, but it just ended up creating another blog for me, and if I want to expand it, I need to pay. I don't have money people! 

But then, after that delirious moment where the Earth became a setting and not a place I lived in, and the space around me grew tinier and tinier, I went on Blogger, and everything felt a lot better. It became easier to breathe, to  think, to feel, and to focus.

I don't have a feeling of intense fear of anxious vibration on the surface of my body, if you know what I mean. Usually when I have that kind of tension I become really, scarily warm, but body heat is thankfully back to normal. 

Anyway, Blogger always makes me feel like I'm making a kind of contribution, or at least some kind of contribution, and I feel safe again. And although when you're in high school, and have a bunch of other things to focus on, feeling safe in your life is good, it doesn't help you to step away from your boundaries, and create your brain thoughts into reality. 

So I'm going to have to start feeling wary, and unsafe, and soon, because that's the only way I will not fear future, present, or past regret, if you know what I mean. BUT, I have school matters to worry about, so I shall leave the daring, unsafe feelings for the weekend. Just wait. Just wait my friends. 

Random thought of the day: Ummm, Nick cave and the Bad Seeds-basically perfection. 


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