Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Successfully Wasted the Past 2 Hours

I don't know.  Sometimes I just don't feel super great, and decide to make myself feel worse by looking through social media, because at first there's some curiosity there, and then after you've spent a little while looking over at pictures, you're like, "How is this even entertaining me? This shit is boring, and I'm talking about Facebook here. I usually don't spend so much time on Facebook anymore, but today I decided to go past the usual 5 minutes and venture onto, mmmhhh,  I don't know, 20 minutes, I hope. And I've got things to do, a whole other life to lead other than the one that I have (or lack thereof) have in social media.

Sometimes, do you ever feel like you didn't live up to your expectations, as a person?

I feel kind of constricted at school, and sometimes, all of the time, I don't like that. I wish I could be myself, but I just can't.

Either that, or maybe I'm just really freaking boring.

Today, my friend told me I'm no fun, and that really bugged me and brought me down the whole day, and the only reason was because I had to film a few shots for this short video I'm doing, and she was supposed to be in them, but she was late, so me and my other cooler(that't right) friends finished before she came, and when she finally saw me afterwards asking about the video, she all of a sudden said I'm no fun. I mean, who the fuck does that hoe thinks she is? She doesn't even know me well enough to say that, because I won't let her, because she just makes me uncomfortable, and unwilling to be myself.

Don't you just wish SO MUCH that you could just call off a friendship forever and never see them again? Unfortunately, I have a class with her, and my other friends are friends with her, so the awkwardness would be just too profuse to handle, so all I'm left with is going the distance, until hopefully, we have no classes together next year, and I don't have to see her freaking face again...but sadly I think we're destined to have at least one class together, which is sad.

But yeah. Today when I went to school, I felt like I had no personality at all, and I was just the blandness of my high school, when everyone else had color. Not a good day.

Yesterday was also my last orchestra concert of the year, and a lot of seniors are leaving this year, and when we finished our set, my director got kind of emotional, which in turn made me really emotional. Unfortunately, I cry easy. Especially when other people are about to cry, and they start to make that face. I can't even. But it was really nice nonetheless, and orchestra really was a huge part of my life, and part of making this one of the best years ever, even though it was also one of the loneliest, hardest, funniest, loving years ever. A lot happened this year. Things that you'll never know about, unless I write a book, and I hope I do. I hope I do.

Well, I think I might be done spilling emotional neediness/problems out for today. I don't know if I ever told you this, but the internet really is indispensible, so I can write as much shit as I want bitcheeees. SO I'm gonna keep doing it, cause writing makes me happy. Well, not necessarily writing, but words, and telling/ writing them to someone or something. I'M TELLING THE STORY OF MY INTERNAL FEELINGS PEOPLE! So you're just going to have to deal with it blogger, because I need this.

And I just reread an Entertainment Weekly article on Lena Durham,and it made me feel better, because she's awesome.

I want HBO.

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