Friday, May 2, 2014
The Sad Times, The Happy Times. It's a Bipolar week; isn't it every week?
Hey guys. I know I may be speaking to no one, but at least it feels like I'm speaking to an invisible man...kind.
See what I did there? Eh, Eh? Okay, anyways. It's been as good of a week as bad of a week. There can never really be a single way to characterize a week anyways, but this week is a pretty decent mixture of both.
So for this entry I think I'll start out by saying what's happening in the coming days, because it's a lot of stuff man...kinda, it just feels that way.
Tomorrow, I'm indulging my little, or average size self in a humongous practice AP U.S History Exam, reportedly recorded as one of the earliest AP exams ever created (It sounds like centuries ago, but it was really begun merely 40 years ago people). Yeah, so that's my day tomorrow, and I'm honestly excited, either to fail, or kind of succeed in some way, I hope. I was studying a few minutes ago, but things happened. (Distraction and eagerness to write). ANYWAYS, I feel determined to take this Practice AP Exam. I feel totally ready for anything. That reminds me, I need to practice my violin.
But other than the 3 hours that will consume my brain with history going back all the way to colonial times, I will be going to a Vietnam Veterans Festival at a nearby park, called Wickham. It's really cool; I've gone to it every year ever since I moved to Florida, and it makes me feel aware of what some people have to go through compared to me. Every time my family and I go, my dad always likes to point out how were in the forests, conducting our own search and destroy missions like in Vietnam, with our own military dog, since Wickham Park is actual a fairly large forests with trails we walk through every weekend, and it's funny. The Platoon references are non-stop people.
We also recently watched this National Geographic, or maybe History channel documentary series on Vietnam, called VIETNAM HD, and I learned more from it than I did from my own history class, and it's an absolutely awesome series, with stories of actual war veterans, and the reality of it just becomes more daunting as you go through its' six episodes. Definitely recommend it, if my recommendation is worth anything, who knows, but not lying, this series is something every person should watch.
Anyways, now on the topic of my long lost past: the bipolar week.
Let's start of with the negative. I cried a lot this week, and felt really insecure, and the lack of sleep was not helpful in brightening any mood that I could muster up for a relentless socialistic school day, so school; yeah, no good. no good at all. I think it may have been in a previous posts that I said this, but I've been thinking a lot this week about the person I'm growing up to be, but the thing is, I'm worried that I just may not be growing up to be the person I think I'm growing up to be. Or if I even want to be that person. I never thought about the kind of person I want to be. Never; I only thought about the places I want to be. So that's why this is all really confusing to me, so I guess, I don't really now what I've decided yet, not that I expect to figure out the kind of person I want to grow up to be within the end of this week, or any time soon. Sometimes, I don't think I ever will. And I think that's okay. I mean, look at Bob Dylan.
So after crying to my mom about my internal contradicting conflicts, I feel better, I feel good, and confident. I don't know what I would do without my mother. I'd basically have to cry constantly through the inside of my body, because it's easy to cry with my mom, because she knows me so well, and I'm starting to get to know her well, and when I'm with her, crying feels okay, also especially with my dad, once I start crying in front of my dad, boom, I go all out, and just telling them what I feel helps, because my body just can't handle all that tension on its own. So after my weekly meltdown, I had my happy part of the day, my determined part of the day.
And that part of the day, when I realized what I am capable of and what I want to do all over again; it was a good time. I almost completed my first full fledged short film/commercial production, and it's not so bad. It's pretty decent actually, and it makes me really proud. It felt good editing something I can solely call mine. It's what I want to do forever. Today my teacher also decided to point out to me that I was a "smart kid", and that doesn't really happen a lot, and I don't think it should, but I really appreciated that comment, because she was telling me she believed in me. She believed that I had something to say, and I did. I could be myself with my friend, and I hope that continues, because she's a really cool person; definitely cooler than anyone else at this damned high school that I seem to go to. It's not the high schools' fault; it's just the people that go to it, but all of them are trying out who they are anyways also, so its confusing and miserable for all of us, but everyone definitely has their own way of finding who they are. Personality definitely complicates things.
But yeah, it was a good week, and a bad week. I'm officially failing chemistry as of 15 minutes ago, but that's because my teacher did not tell me to turn in the worksheets everyone else turned in when I was absent, and that kind of stooped my moral for a little bit, but I raised it back up again, so I'll be okay.
Also, i wish I didn't care so much about grades. I really think the educational pressure in my life is depleting to my health. I took a chemistry test today, and since In knew that a lot was resting on that test, it really nerved me up, and since it was such an importance test, faith had me forget my calculator, and for the first 15 minutes I had to suffer through using my teacher's useless replica of a mini-calculator that should not even exist on the planet. Finally, the merciful lord blessed me with a kind soul that let me borrow her calculator, and I was able to at least finish that test. The part that made me really sad and ashamed at that experience was what happened to me in those firsts few minutes of my tests, where I had a crappy calculator, and was unable to do my stoichiometry; I was on the very extreme verge of tears. I was doing all in my power to keep from screaming "FUUUUUUCCKKKK" every 10 seconds. I was nearly biting my lip off, and the crease lines in my forehead refused to cooperate. I was so destroyed by the fact that I would fail this test and the rest of my chemistry grade and as a result my grade point average because of a fucking stupid subject that I hope and plan to never use at such level ever, in my life. I hated the pressure. I was in so much pressure for a useless topic that I was ashamed. But now I'm tired, and don't care as much anymore.
BUT, I'm still so ready to take that practice AP US History exam. I'm ready. I'll see you later.
Oh, I also want to mention I watched The Book Thief. I think it just became one of my favorite movies ever. That's another part of growing up that I'm trying to figure out. What movies are my favorite movies, because a movie really is a huge part of defining who you are, and helping people learn about the person you are becoming, or person you became, or already are. I love movies, and books. I love books. I'm excited for the present. I'm excited for the future too. But soon, the future will become the present, so I've decided that the future is the present. I'll see you later. Sleep time. (I was listening to this song while writing my last paragraph. Aha, coincidence?)